Here's the Thing...

OK, I'm going to use this blog as a place for me to vent, ask for advice/thoughts, and just get my thoughts out there.

The thing is...I love "teaching"...but I'm not that crazy about being a "teacher". Let me explain. Teaching is great. I like working with the kids (yes, even the trouble ones I gripe about). I find it very satisfying to take them from where they are at the beginning of the year to where they end up at the end of the year. I hate all of the stuff that goes along with it: lesson plans, grading papers, paper work, dealing with parents, etc. But even with all of that, if I could get it all done in a normal 40 or even 45 hour work week, it would probably be fine. But as it is I work 50+ hours a week and still bring an average of 1-2 hours of work home with me every day. It's too much.

The thing is...I love "planning lessons"...but I don't like "lesson planning". Let me explain. I love planning really great lessons. Lessons that go deep, encourage kids to think at a higher level, integrate different subject areas, are hands-on, etc. are fun for the kids and are fun for me to teach. Coming up with great activities utilizes my creative side and is fulfilling. But I don't like cramming so much stuff into a day that is already so full. I don't like having to cut meaty lessons down in order to get everything done each day. I don't like gathering materials, spending my own money, and often using my own time in order to get them done each week.

The thing is...although a Master's Degree sound great, I'm not sure it would be useful to me. Sure, an education is never a waste. Sure, continuing education is a great way to better oneself. But those are usually things that people who have time, energy, and/or a specific career path in mind say. I know my limitations. I'm not a public speaker. Kids are fine. My friends are fine. But anything other than that is not good for me. Even my co-workers that I see every day...if I have to speak in front of them for any reason, I get hot, my voice gets shaky, and I just don't do well. I also know that, unfortunately, I don't love any one subject enough to devote a Masters Degree to it. My medication makes me very fatigued as it is...not to mention the fact that once I'm home, I still have a house to clean, meals to cook, laundry to do, as well as kids and a husband to take care of. Some days, I find it hard enough to make it through the day as it is, without having to worry about going to school on top of that. I don't know if I'm physically up to it.

The thing is...I'm not even sure that education is what I want to do for the rest of my life. But aside from food service and selling eye glasses, it's the only thing I know. What else could I do? What else would I be qualified for? What would I be good at? What else would I enjoy? It would need to be something semi-challenging to stimulate my mind at least a little and keep it interesting. It would need to be something that pays more than what I'm making now, in order for me to pay for after school care and daycare during the summer. Where would I even start? As much as people say I would be a good administrator (whether in education or not) and as much as I take that as a compliment, I'm not sure that I would. I don't do well with conflict. First of all, I avoid it at all costs and usually add unnecessary stress to my life in the process. Secondly, if conflict ever arises, I rarely stand my ground...I usually give in. Thirdly, I worry a lot about what other people think of me...I can't stand the idea of someone being mad at me. And if there were any particularly intense issue, I'm confident I wouldn't be able to maintain my composure...I'm very emotional and cry at the drop of a hat.

The thing is...as much as teaching just isn't doing it for me anymore, it's comfortable. I'm not great with change. I'm actually quite shy. As awesome, funny, and fun-loving as I know you all think that I am, it actually takes me a while to open myself up to a new group. I also truly love the people I work with. They have been SO wonderful to me over the last few years. They have been such an amazing support (financially, spiritually, and emotionally). They helped me through my Leukemia diagnosis. They've never blinked an eye when I've had to take time off or leave early for Dr.'s appointments or medical procedures. They helped us when Kevin lost his job. They are an amazingly wonderful group of women that it would be very hard to leave.

So...long story, long...I would LOVE to get your advice/thoughts/encouragement/suggestions, etc.

Thanks!