Well today Bobby-Lou (our elf on the shelf) returned. She was in a coffee cup filled with marshmallows, surrounded by marshmallow forts and two powdered-donut snowmen she had made for the kids. She had a lovely rhyming letter that she had written to Hannah and Mason to remind them of the rules: each night she will fly back to the North Pole to tell Santa all about what they've been up to, they cannot touch her (or her magic will rub off), and she will return by the time they wake up. Last year, they woke up to Bobby-Lou in various settings: sitting on top of the star on our tree, zip-lining down from our ceiling fan to the bookshelves, having a play "date" with Ken, etc.
So this morning, after oohing and ahhing over Bobby-Lou's return Hannah said, "Mommy, are you sure you don't just hide Bobby-Lou all year, bring her back in December, and move her around each night?"
"Yep, she knows," I thought. I didn't want to lie to her, and there wasn't much of a way for me to avoid her direct question. So, we had a conversation. I basically gave my own version of this letter I came across online a while ago:
- Dear Lucy,
Thank you for your letter. You asked a very good question: “Are you Santa?”
I know you’ve wanted the answer to this question for a long time, and I’ve had to give it careful thought to know just what to say.
The answer is no. I am not Santa. There is no one Santa.
I am the person who fills your stockings with presents, though. I also choose and wrap the presents under the tree, the same way my mom did for me, and the same way her mom did for her. (And yes, Daddy helps, too.)
I imagine you will someday do this for your children, and I know you will love seeing them run down the stairs on Christmas morning. You will love seeing them sit under the tree, their small faces lit with Christmas lights.
This won’t make you Santa, though.
Santa is bigger than any person, and his work has gone on longer than any of us have lived. What he does is simple, but it is powerful. He teaches children how to have belief in something they can’t see or touch.
It’s a big job, and it’s an important one. Throughout your life, you will need this capacity to believe: in yourself, in your friends, in your talents and in your family. You’ll also need to believe in things you can’t measure or even hold in your hand. Here, I am talking about love, that great power that will light your life from the inside out, even during its darkest, coldest moments.
Santa is a teacher, and I have been his student, and now you know the secret of how he gets down all those chimneys on Christmas Eve: he has help from all the people whose hearts he’s filled with joy.
With full hearts, people like Daddy and me take our turns helping Santa do a job that would otherwise be impossible.
So, no. I am not Santa. Santa is love and magic and hope and happiness. I’m on his team, and now you are, too.
I love you and I always will.
Mama
When I asked her, "Didn't you really already know? Or at least suspect?" She said, "Yeah. But I don't think I was really ready to know for sure."
**Insert. Dagger. Into. Heart. Now.**
**I. Am. The. Worst.**
**I broke my daughter's heart, and stomped all over her innocence. I am the destroyer of all things good and pure and magical in the world.**
I tried to cheer her up by telling her that now that she is on Santa's team, she gets to help with all of the sneaky creative fun! But I think that just bummed her out even more. She just loved having it all
After being asked to just "leave her alone for a little bit", and after shedding many of my own tears, I figure it is time to officially accept my crown.
