18 years ago, Hannah made me a mom. 2 days before Mothers' Day. Today, she turns 18 ON Mothers' Day. I really don't feel old enough to have an 18 year old. It feels like I was 18 myself, not that long ago. While I can't quite say I see Hannah as an adult, I can most definitely say that I see her as an amazing human being. She is kind, hard-working, responsible, great with kids, and so very funny.
We have made it through 18 years of attitude problems, sass, and eye rolls. Yes...ALL 18 years had ALL of those things (and yes, I know there's plenty more to come...especially since she'll be an 18 year old living at home who is "an adult who can do what she wants"). But we've also made it through 18 years of joy, sarcasm, laughter, joy, and tears (both good and bad). The hugs have grown fewer and fewer to now pretty much non-existent. She says she's just doesn't like hugs. Not even from her friends (her BFF is the only exception). And for someone who (much to my parents' chagrin) has always been a hugger, this is a tough pill to swallow. But I hold out hope that the hugs will return in a few years after she's been out on her own. Or maybe it will take longer...like after she's had kids of her own. But either way, I'll be here with years worth of hugs to make up for when (if) she's ready.
She will be graduating in 3 weeks. I've been surprisingly unemotional about it all. Maybe it's because she's staying here and going to the community college, so she's not actually leaving. But I have a feeling it's just because it hasn't really hit me yet. I'm pretty sure there will be tears in 3 weeks.
For the last 18 years, I have been becoming more and more like my mom. And I couldn't be happier about it. She is the most amazing example of faith, wifely devotion, motherly love, grandparenting joy, all-around kindness, and humility. She is a friend and a rock. She is my safe place. If I am even half the mother she is, I'll count my parenting as a success.
Happy 18th Birthday to my sweet Hannah. Happy Mothers' Day to my sweet Mom.
This blog post is the result of a bit of a stream-of-consciousness sort of day:
So this morning, I woke up and was feeling a bit under the weather. No tutoring today. Just taking it easy. I wanted to blog since it's been a while, but I wasn't sure what to blog about. So, I decided to watch The Greatest Showman. I just love that movie...it really moves me. I can't listen to the song, "This is Me" without crying. It is such an empowering anthem for inclusion and acceptance...every person...flaws and all is precious and worthy.
From there, I thought about how all life is precious and how we are all fearfully and wonderfully made. I love that verse...and the one before it: Psalm 139: 13-14. When I was searching for an image, I found this song:
This reminded me of Jeremiah 1:5, and I started thinking about how, although I'm not usually vocal about it, I dedicate a large percentage of my prayers to it, and I am pro-life to my core. I was raised to believe in the sanctity of life. I firmly believe in protecting the unborn. As I was searching for an image for this verse, I found this song:
But I also believe that no one is too far gone to receive God's grace, which is why I believe the death penalty is wrong. I believe what Pope Benedict and Pope Francis said is true. And as I was searching for these images, I found this song:
Then, for a while, I stopped searching and started praying. I prayed a lot. I prayed over the lives of the unborn, the lives of the living, the lives of the dying, the lives of those who have taken lives (of the unborn, the living, and the dying), all of their souls, and the souls of those who are already gone. As I prayed, the word "compassion" kept coming to my mind. How if each of us just lived compassionately each day (or even most days) this world would be a better place. After all...all lives are worthy of compassion and forgiveness.
From there, I thought about how compassion is really just another word for love. And isn't that what we're all called to do? Love one another? Love your neighbor as yourself? Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you? And, once again, as I searched for these images I found another song:
So, what started as a diversion from a bit of writer's block turned into a blog post all about God, love, the sanctity of life, prayer, compassion, forgiveness, worthiness (and music). That's pretty much what life is all about, isn't it?
This verse is one of my very favorite bible verses about peace. It really strikes a personal chord with me. In the 14 years that I have been living with Leukemia, I can only remember 3 moments that I wasn't at peace about it:
the moment I was diagnosed...being at my appointment alone (since Kevin had taken Hannah (3) and Mason (1) to the pediatrician), having to be immediately admitted to the hospital and tell Kevin over the phone why he couldn't pick me up at the doctor's office.
the moment after being diagnosed with pulmonary hypertension 11 years later when I got home from the ER and googled the disease that I knew nothing about
the moment a year after that when I was told my only 2 options were a clinical trial or a bone marrow transplant...both of which would be incredibly costly and straining on work and family
But within minutes/hours of each of those moments I was filled with a peace that definitely surpassed all understanding...even before knowing how lucky I would end up being. I just knew that one way or another everything would be OK...even if it wasn't what I had in mind. And by the grace of God:
I have lived with Leukemia for 14 blessing-filled years on various medications with a few uncomfortable side effects and unpleasant procedures...all of which could have been so much worse.
That scary pulmonary hypertension diagnosis was just a temporary side effect of a medication and was reversed, with treatment, in a year's time.
Those 2 scary options were based on errors in blood work, so it never came to that. I was then lucky enough to have a year of medication free remission! Then last year, around this time, the Leukemia showed up again in my blood work. And after another year on a new medication, I have reached a medication induced remission! I will continue to be on this medication, but remission (even if temporary, and even if requiring medication) is always an amazing thing!
I don't often speak about my opinions. I tend to avoid conflict at all costs, and I fight my battles with prayer. I believe in faith, hope, and love. I believe in spreading joy and kindness. I believe in looking for the good, and being the good if you can't find it. I believe there's always light in the darkness, and I believe in finding Jesus in everyone. I believe that these are difficult times and that these are the exact times we need to focus on God and prayer...and in doing so, we can find a peace that surpasses all understanding. I believe that if we can find peace in personal times of trouble that we can find peace in global times of trouble, too. I believe in the prayer of St. Francis:
My sweet Hannah turned 17 today. I know that 16 is typically a bigger deal, but this one is hitting me harder. It's got me simultaneously reminiscing over her 17 years and my 17th year (which somehow truly doesn't seem that long ago). So naturally, I've got some thoughts and feelings.
17 about 17...
Hannah, my firstborn, was born on a Friday 17 years ago. We came home from the hospital on Sunday...my first Mother's Day.
17 days later (I'm making that up, but it was right around then), I called my mom, crying because I couldn't get Hannah to stop crying. I was convinced I was a terrible mother and was doomed to an eternity of tears from the both of us. I don't remember exactly what Mom told me, but I distinctly remember hanging up the phone feeling better.
We spent the next 17-ish months going through tons of batteries and having high water bills: when she wasn't being held, she was in her vibrating bouncy chair in the bathroom with the faucets on full-blast and the exhaust fan on. Then, she would be content.
And after 17 years on this earth, she still can't stand silence and always has to have TV or music on in the background.
17 was a great year for me...I loved it! I was a senior. I got my first job. I had my first boyfriend. I graduated high school. I fell in love.
Now, sure. I was 3 months away from turning 18 when I started dating Kevin...and just a couple weeks shy of 18 when I knew I was in love, but the thought of Hannah meeting and falling in love with someone in the next year is more than slightly terrifying.
There's something special about the age of 17. You're (as Hannah would say) practically an "adult", but you still don't really have any responsibilities. Hannah has a watch-list on Netlflix that fluctuates between things like Breaking Bad and things like Scooby Doo.
Maybe it's because it's that magic age that SO many songs have been written about being 17:
Here's just a few: Seventeen - Tim McGraw, Edge of Seventeen - Stevie Nicks, I Saw Her Standing There - The Beatles, Dancing Queen - ABBA, Strawberry Wine - Deana Carter
It's Seventeen by Tim McGraw that is always the first one I think of. Maybe it's because it came out right around the time I was falling in love (at 17) and the entire album it's on has huge sentimental value to Cakes and me. Or maybe it's that lyric that I put at the top of this post: when you're 17, you're "on the edge of everything" that adulthood and your future has to offer.
Hannah is so much stronger and more confident in herself and who she is (her strong-willed nature comes in handy sometimes) than I was at 17.
My favorite songs from when I was 17 are still among my favorites. I wonder if that's true for everyone? Or was it just because 17 was such a big year for me?
I know every teenager feels like they're mature. But even looking back, I feel like I was a really mature 17 year-old. Hannah, of course, thinks she's pretty mature. But I think that's one thing I had more of at 17 than her...maturity. But maybe that's just what all parents think?
Over these last 17 years, Hannah has gone from being one of the roundest babies you've ever seen to one of the most lovely young ladies you've ever seen.
Over these last 17 years, Hannah has brought me to tears (big surprise, I know) SO many times: tears of frustration, tears of joy, tears of laughter, tears of worry, and tears of pride.
Over these last 17 years, Hannah has been a wonderful mix of tom-boy and girly-girl: she loves fishing and four-wheelers, but she also loves skin-care and pedicures.
While I hope that Hannah's 17th year won't be quite for her what it was for me, I pray that it is equally as happy, wonderful, and memorable. Love and prayers for a joyfully blessed year, sweet girl. Happy Birthday, Hannah!!
These are crazy, uncertain times right now. Those of us staying at home find ourselves with an abundance of time: time for family, time for worry, time for fun, time for prayer, time for togetherness, time for isolation. In honor of all of this time we have on our hands, here is a collection of thoughts about, songs about, quotes about, and movies about time.
Time Travel - I've always loved movies (and after learning to love reading in my adult years, books) about time travel.
Who doesn't love the Back to the Future series?!
The Lake House
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
The Time Traveler's Wife
X-Men: Days of Future Past
About Time - If you haven't see this one, you seriously should...I just love it!
Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure
13 Going on 30
17 Again
Arrival
9,986,000 Minutes - This scene in The Office where they are saying goodbye to Michael gets me every time.
Do You Remember the Time - Go back to simpler times...and just enjoy this song. I remember being so excited when he would release a new video (Thriller started it all, Smooth Criminal, Black or White, etc). These were epic moments growing up.
The passing of time - I've also always loved watching things that show the passage of time
Forrest Gump
Mr. Holland's Opus
Frequency
Biopics, etc.
long-running tv shows
LOST
the finale of Parks and Rec
Garth Brooks has so many amazing songs that relate to time (and his Vegas show and recent stadium tour were 2 of my all-time favorite concerts...and 2 of my all-time favorite moments with friends)
A Time to Kill - not really a movie about time, but a great movie with time in the title (and why not use some of this time we have watching Matthew McConaughey).
And of course, some Harry Potter quotes:
What are some of your favorites thoughts, quotes, movies, and/or songs about time?
We all know that words have power. Even one word, when chosen wisely, can be a powerful thing.
I've posted before about not ever really being big on New Year's Resolutions. I just feel that they really set people up for failure. But maybe that's just because I'm weak and lazy. Oh well. With that being said, I do believe in goal setting. I've had one word goals at school to guide my year before, but this year I'm following the example of others that I've seen on facebook and choosing a word to guide my year both personally and professionally. My word for 2020 is: INTENTIONAL. I want to be more intentional with a lot of things; including, but not limited to: keeping my faith, keeping in touch, parenting, relationship building, differentiating instruction, etc.
And on another note (because who doesn't love a good get-to-know-you questionnaire)... Answer these questions with just one word:
1. What’s the first thing you grab for in the morning? phone
2. Who do you hope people notice most about you? kindness
3. What is your biggest weakness? laziness
4. What is your biggest strength? positivity
5. High school? awesome
6. Adjective that best describes you when you’re drunk. loud
7. A place you want to go? NewEngland
8. Beaches or snow? Beaches
9. Pet peeve? entitlement
10. What is one personality trait you simply have no time for? pretentiousness
11. Do you believe in something after death? definitely
12. How does someone instantaneously get on your good side? humor
13. How about your bad side? rudeness
14. Coffee or tea? coffee
15. What is your love language? acts
16. Do you believe in ghosts? yes
17. Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram? facebook
18. Odd numbers or even numbers? even
19. Are you more right brained or left brained? right
20. Do you think opposites truly attract? sometimes
21. What is your Hogwarts house? Hufflepuff
22. Do you think chemistry is instant or grows with time? both
23. Describe your relationship with your significant other. delightful
Some people (wrongly) think that Grease 2 is better than the original. While I could write an entire blog post to help them see the error of their ways, that is not what this post is about. This time I'm focusing on God's never failing devotion to us and our all-to-often failing devotion to Him.
In high school, I was part of a weekly Bible study with our Life Teen youth group. I loved it! I loved learning scripture, learning more about God, and growing closer to others who were in the same place as me. As I've gotten older, I've gotten more introverted and both busier & lazier at the same time. But a few months ago, a dear friend of mine asked me to do a devotional with her. While I was excited (because I had been looking for exactly that...a devotional and an opportunity to grow in my faith), I was hesitant because I hadn't been vocal in sharing my faith with others (besides my family) since High School. I followed God's nudge and accepted my friend's sweet offer, and I'm so glad I did. It was exactly what I needed. It is an app called You Version Bible, and I know a lot of you have probably been hip to this jive for a long time. But if you're like me and you weren't in the know, now you are. I highly recommend it. You can customize it for which version of the Bible you want, it has a verse of the day, and you can search for devotionals on a variety of topics: parenting, work, faith, illness, hope, humor, hearing God's voice, etc. You can do the devotionals by yourself (which is what I do most of the time), but you can also do them with others that are "friends" in the app (which is a great way to grow closer to others as you grow closer to God).
I'm done with plugging the app. There's more than one way to crack an egg, after all. But I am going to share some pieces that have spoken to me over the last month:
"Is the Holy Spirit working in your life today?
We have learned that the Holy Spirit is God indwelling us. He affects and empowers every dimension of our lives. He directs every step and decision of our days. He is the Lord who gives us significance and purpose, life and a future.
We discussed what it means to be “filled with the Spirit,” which leads us to the end of this devotional series and a key question you need to ask yourself: Would those who know you best say they see the Spirit at work in your life today?
We can measure the degree to which we are surrendered to the Spirit by the "fruit," or results, that manifest themselves in our lives: "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control" (Galatians 5:22).
In other words, ask yourself: “Would my friends say that I am loving? Do they think I exercise patience? Do they experience kindness and gentleness from me?”
"If Jesus is your Lord
One of my favorite stories concerns a father arriving home from work one day. His two little girls ran to meet him.
The five-year-old got to him first, throwing her arms around his legs.
Hedges on either side of the sidewalk kept the three-year-old from going around her big sister to her father. Standing on the sidewalk, she began to cry.
So her father reached down and picked her up.
The big sister then taunted her little sister, "Ha, ha, ha—I've got all of Daddy there is."
The little sister replied, "Ha, ha, ha—Daddy's got all of me there is."
If Jesus is your Lord, you have all of God there is.
Does he have all of you?"
"Dear Christians, Please Stop Being Lame
We are part of a largely unchurched community that I love. Our community is so secular, I am detached from the homogeneous Christian pack and attuned to the outsiders’ perspective. (Outsiders is a misleading term, as our country is roughly 65 percent unchurched. A better phrase is “most people.”) We are in urgent times here.
The way of Jesus is not holding, and to assume otherwise is a dangerous lullaby that will rock us to sleep while our communities flounder and struggle. Only determined denial could assess our Christian subculture as healthy.
Because allis not actually well, it is time to become humble—loving neighbors and the world that fears and rejects us. This is not about being liked or popular, nor is it some soft gospel that prefers harmony over redemption. Here is the truth: If we are inhibiting others from finding Jesus, this constitutes a full-blown crisis. Ultimately, the rejection of Christians predicates the rejection of Jesus, and if that doesn’t grieve us, we have missed the whole point. Jesus tried to impress this upon us. I mean, He was obsessed.
“By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another” (John 13:35).
“I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me” (John 17:23, emphasis added).
The woman at the well. The Good Samaritan. Blind Bartimaeus. The poor widow. Zacchaeus.
There is a clear correlation between how we treat each other and how a watching world will feel about Jesus. What should our neighbors deduce from our loving-kindness toward one another? One, that we obviously belong to Jesus, because what other explanation exists for such beautiful community?
It should be so compelling that others interpret it as otherworldly—these people must belong to God. And according to Jesus, God’s calling card is love. If folks don’t recognize God is good by watching His people, then we have tragically derailed.
May the world see a thankful, committed family who loves their God, adores their Savior, and can’t get enough of one another. This is a story that saves, a story that heals, and the right story to tell."
A couple of days ago, another friend on facebook shared that the struggles she has parenting her children are the same struggles that God has with her. I thought that was so poignant. As we are all children of God, I pray that we all: hear His voice, heed His words, walk in His path, and shine His light to the world around us.
I have been "Cakes" for 22 years. Kevin and I have been married for 19 of those years. Hannah is a Freshman in college and Mason is a Junior in high school! I taught 2nd grade for 8 years. This will be my 10th year teaching 3rd. I was diagnosed with Leukemia 15 years ago and have been in and out of remission several times. Right now, I'm stable with medication, but always I am blessed. My life is busy, fun, chaotic, boring, stressful, simple, tiring, and exciting...but whatever it is, it's always SO full of joy!
